There can be a variety of reasons why getting to know someone you feel the urge to filter your thoughts and edit your words, the fear of saying something wrong that might change things for the better.
I do have this insecurity, mostly in the beginnings when things are not stable and familiar enough yet, or when my intuition and empathy already feel uncertainty in the dynamic or from the other person, as I still weigh every message I send, every weakness and flaw I utter. I try not to hold back, because I greatly value vulnerability and honest openness and also find these incredibly beautiful in others. It takes courage to be open about one’s flaws and I would rather throw mine in your face and see if you stick around than always stay careful. But that doesn’t change that I have made my fair share of experiences and do carry my own set of scars, fears and insecurities. In relationships, I try to be open about these, too, and will let the other person know about them. We all have some baggage and insecurities. At least, if we’re open about them, we can deal with it together, can’t we.
The last time I developed feelings for someone, I felt like this a lot, everytime I showed a little more emotion I instantly observed the reaction and half expected this was too much now, slowly tested my way forwards, dancing on eggshells, and in the end, I guess we broke them. Ans especially when you have experiences with dynamics where you had to learn to carefully weigh your words and actions, it is hard not to be insecure about yourself when getting closer to new people. It is a weird, unhealthy but understandable dance. So I try to just be gentle with myself and them, and to forgive myself for them. Sometimes these insecurities will drive someone away. But I guess, it’s ok, because it is about those it won’t. Those are the people you hold dear 😉1